Getting out of a relationship and learning to live on your own and depend just on yourself is always hard and it definitely takes some getting used to. It is therefore unavoidable to think that you need to jump into a new relationship so that you avoid rocking the boat too much and continue living the way you have been used to – with someone by your side.. But once the shock and grief are gone, you come to realise that living on your own and getting on with your life as an individual, as opposed to a couple, is actually quite refreshing and enjoyable.
As soon as I got out of my relationship with Serge (see The Heartbreak), I was in a hurry to start dating again. I was so used to being with someone, to spending a good 3 nights with someone by my side and plan every weekend with them, that I just didn’t know how to do it on my own anymore. And I decided that I wouldn’t have to – I would get into a new relationship ASAP and stop spending weekends on my own and waking up every Saturday morning lost. Of course my friends are always there, but it’s not like I ever lost touch with them even when I was with Serge in the first place. So I jumped back into the dating game. I tried to date my rebound – and even though he was a nice guy, we are just two completely different people so that didn’t work. And then I became a serial dater, dating a different guy every two days, a good few of them making it to second dates and only a handful to third dates. The same old boring routine of chit-chatting and getting to know each other over the same questions started: “Where are you from?”, “What do you do?”, “Do you have any siblings?”, blah blah blah.. And then one Saturday morning, after yet another boring and unsurprising Friday night date, I woke up, glanced over at the empty side of the bed next to me and couldn’t help but wonder: “Is the fear of waking up to this, day after day, enough to make me continue serial dating, when I just simply can’t find the energy or will to do it anymore?”… and even worse: “will someone ever be good enough for a relationship?”
And then I decided right then and there that I just couldn’t keep doing this anymore. Nothing was wrong with the guys and the dates weren’t bad… I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was in a relationship for more than a year and gave all I could to one person and I just didn’t have anything more to give. It’s not that the guys weren’t good enough. I just didn’t want to go through all that again… not yet anyway. It wasn’t them, it was me. And not only did I not need to jump into another relationship, subconsciously I actually didn’t even want to.Otherwise I would have stuck to dating a couple of the guys that were good enough and pursue it. I had to date me for a while. And I did just that. I came to terms with the fact that it’s ok not to be in a relationship and I started enjoying it. I stopped feeling helpless when I didn’t make my plans with anyone during the weekends and once I did that I realised that it was actually refreshing. I embraced being alone and did more things for myself and gradually I learnt how to live on my own again and make my own plans. And I don’t need to date anyone… it’s fine if I don’t want to.
Will this change? Probably yes, but maybe not for quite a while. I think I got to a point where, for the time being, I have nothing more to give to anyone. Maybe next time I should learn to keep a piece of me just for myself, so that I don’t find myself in a situation where I have nothing left to go on with when it’s over. But for now, I’m content with having learnt that it’s fine not to want to date anyone and it’s fine to want to just be by yourself… for as long as you want. Because at the end of the day, this is the most important relationship you will ever have. And who knows, maybe I will meet someone during this phase that will just swipe me off my feet and I will forget everything and fall in love all over again..
But I’d like to keep my feet firmly on the ground and reality has taught me that no one will come knocking on my door to do that.
Did you ever find yourself in a situation where you simply just don’t want to date anyone? How did you get back to dating after a relationship was over? Comment and let me know!