Maybe fate has it or maybe it’s just in our DNA, but it is a truth universally acknowledged that the minute us girls find someone that is hard to get we’ll jump into the challenge without second guessing. Most of us don’t even realize it, until it is way too late and we have once again placed ourselves in yet another complicated and potentially painful situation. I have neglected my blog for quite a while now, partly because of the huge amount of work that I have to do and partly because I didn’t know how to share what happened in the past month and what I had learnt from my experience.
I spent Christmas at home this year, and left London for two weeks. As much as this was a time that I was looking forward to, I knew that I would eventually have to face Mat (see Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?). As much as I say that I have gotten over him and as much as I moved on, no one could ever replace him and I always knew that given the chance I would go running back to him, even for one last time. I was too embarrassed to admit this even to myself, let alone publish it on my blog. But given the circumstances, and what has happened I decided that it’s time I’m completely honest with you. I was back home for three days before I saw Mat, and even before that I was contemplating on the immense amount of emotions that would surge through me when I saw him. I wanted to be rational and say that I would be happy to see him but wise enough to not go back to him again or try to approach him… but by now we all know that what we feel is by no means rational. I couldn’t figure out if I would feel sad, happy, content or even angry. I wanted to believe that I was still angry at the way he treated me and I never wanted him anywhere near me again, but deep down I knew that I had already forgiven him and still loved him.
And so some days passed until one day I saw him, and in the blink of an eye I forgot all my rationality, hell I even forgot how to breathe for a minute and it all came rushing back. I could feel once again all the love I had for him and all the pain. I barely talked to him that night, but I knew that I would see him again after that. And it didn’t even take long for him to contact me: by the next afternoon we had arranged a meeting later that night at his place. I knew how wrong it was after everything he has done to me, but it was beyond me to not see him again after so long of thinking about him and missing him. And maybe it was weakness, or maybe thoughtlessness, but the minute that he contacted me I knew it was what I wanted.
When the time to see him approached I was unsettlingly calm – I was half expecting me to be panicking, thinking it over and over again and even asking my friends’ opinions. But I was too embarrassed to admit that I was going to see Mat again and the last thing that I cared about that night was my outfit, my hair or my make-up. When he opened the door to greet me it was like no day had passed by. When we had sex it was exactly like I remembered it – still the best sex of my life… but then something extremely weird happened: there was nothing left to say. None of us wanted to talk about the past year, and there was no point in doing so; we knew nothing would change. We also knew that after that night, we would probably never see each other… maybe for a long time or maybe never. This was by no means a start to something new, just a mistaken memory of the past being relived for just one night. At this point I have to ask you to excuse my slightly romantic and dazzled way of writing, but even a month later I still don’t know how to phrase everything that happened with Mat during Christmas, and this might be my slightly nostalgic and confused way of writing. So we didn’t talk about ourselves, or how the past year was. We chatted a bit about what was going on in our lives, regarding work and the holidays. But all the while Mat was looking at me from the other end of the room, talking to me as if talking to a someone slightly more than an acquaintance and recalling how much we used to be a part of each other’s life in the past, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was I really still in love with Mat or was I just so addicted to the exquisite pain that comes with wanting someone so unavailable to you? By this point I’m still confused, we said goodbye like we were to see each other again soon, but by the time I got into my car and drove away we both knew that was a lie… and whatever we had in the past had ended. For some reason, maybe it was the year that passed by or the pain that made us grow apart, but whatever Mat and I were was finished… we had become something else, and even I couldn’t define it and I’m still not able to. I returned back to London without seeing him again and still at a state of confusion. I desperately wanted to believe that I had made the wrong decision going back to see him again after so long— but somehow it felt that I hadn’t. A part of me was breaking inside for not being the way I was with him, but another part, a more confused one, realised that Mat and I were not the same people anymore together.
A week after I came back to London I went for a night out with Javier. I desperately wanted to tell him what happened and how confused I was, but I was too embarrassed to admit it. So I made an extremely rational decision at the time: I would tell him after a couple of glasses of wine. But the couple of glasses of wine turned into one-too many glasses and before I knew it we were in a bar with a few of his friends, which is when I met Harry. I had heard about him through Javier, but never really got to meet him. To make a long story short, I talked for a bit with Harry and found out that he was separated from his wife, with two children, not willing to commit to any other relationship at the moment and extremely frustrated with his life. In other words, the guy might as well have had a huge sign on his forehead: ‘Do Not Date Me’. So naturally, I made the most rational decision: I gave him my number when he asked for it! I know what you are thinking, why did I do this, what I was thinking and truth is, I wasn’t! I was a bit drunk, I wanted to put whatever happened with Mat behind me and I wanted to move on. He asked me out on a date two days later, where he repeated how frustrated he was with his life, how unstable his life was and how much he didn’t want to be with anyone right now. I wanted to shut everything out, I wanted to forget about what had happened with Mat and I wanted to move on with Harry; after all how much could he mean everything he had said… twice? And did I mention he is really sexy? I’m not sure what it is that made me decide this, but by the end of the night I had slept with him… twice.
I hated the idea of spending the night in someone else’s bed so around 2 o’clock in the morning I made my way home… which is where I realised it: I didn’t care how sexy Harry was, or how much I even liked him… he was just another unavailable man! He was just another yet-to-be disappointment. He was like a car-crash I was driving right into with no intention of avoiding. I wanted to move on from Mat, but I wanted to replace him with something just as excruciating and painful… Once again, I wanted what I couldn’t have! And it didn’t even surprise me… And I’m not the only one out there. As soon as we see a guy who is unavailable to us and we develop even the slightest interest for him, the it’s like a project: we need to have him! We will freeze hell over in order to make him be with us the way we want him to, just because we can’t have him the way we want to. And coming to think about it really, it’s more masochistic than enjoyable… Unless we come to think of it as enjoyable precisely because it is masochistic. I decided I wouldn’t stick around long enough to find out. I stopped seeing Harry right then and there, and never returned his calls after that. I hope he finds what he is looking for, but he is definitely neither what I am looking for nor what I need right now in my life!
As for Mat, I might see him again in a year or more, I might never go back to him again…. I still don’t know. But at least now I do know, that whatever Mat and I were is finished and we will never go back to the way we were… the only thing that kept me so stuck on him this whole time was my addiction to the pain that he put me through; and I still haven’t shaken that habit. But as exquisite as that pain is, I refuse to replace Mat by eventually replicating the pain he put me through with someone else. I will probably find something else, but for the time being I have to make a conscious effort to pick the guys in my life more wisely!
What do you think? Have you ever wanted someone exactly because you couldn’t have them? If so, how did it turn out? Comment and let me know!!