Maybe this will sound a little silly because everyone has their own different way of dealing with this situation. But what happens when falling for someone is an almost foreign concept to you, catches you by surprise and ultimately, scares the hell out of you? If you happen to be like me, you probably find it almost impossible to even genuinely like a guy, let alone fall in love with them. But sometimes, once in a blue moon, a guy comes along, changes the way we feel and puts our cynical perspective to shame.
In my life, I have probably been in love twice; the first was with Nick (see Do we need to changeto be in a relationship?), but I was so young and it was such a complicated situation; it doesn’t even count for me. The second one, and most recent one is with Mat (see Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you? and Just sex… orsomething more?). But falling for Mat wasn’t a typical dating story, where you start falling for someone gradually and you see it coming. Having sex with no feelings for more than a year with Mat, it was only natural that even when I developed feelings I didn’t realize it until it was too late. It wasn’t until almost two years later, when Sarah brought it to my attention and said “you are in love with him”, that I realized I had actually fallen for him. So naturally, being with someone for a while and falling in love gradually with him… is a concept foreign to me; one that I wouldn’t be able to recognize even if it slapped me in the face.
I’ve been dating Serge (see Are we exclusive … yet?) for a little longer than three months now. I had forgotten how pleasant it feels to actually be with someone that is easy going and makes you enjoy spending time with them. With Mat, most of the time we would either be fighting, having sex or just trying to avoid the ‘elephant in the room’ and talk about irrelevant topics, which was, frankly, just exhausting. To make a short story long, it wasn’t long ago when I started feeling like I actually missed Serge when we weren’t together and started being restless and impatient until the next time we met. But when you are busy, especially in the middle of an exam season, such thoughts might occur every now and then. but you never pay much attention; so mostly I used to shelve it at the back of my mind and just get busy with studying. Today, however, was different. With revision taking up all of my days, the only way I could spend some time with Serge and still get some work done was to spend the day at his place, studying. All was good, he was working and I was getting quite a lot of work done as well, until I started feeling my hands getting sweating. About half an hour later, I got an unsettling feeling and couldn’t keep myself concentrated more than five minutes. For some inexplicable reason I felt an urge to get up, get my things and make a run for it. I had no idea what made me feel so anxious and I didn’t know how to keep this overwhelming feeling under control. I woke up and started pacing around the house, trying to think and then … it hit me. I was shelving away all those thoughts the past few weeks, when really what I should have realized was that I was falling for him. And that’s the least of it; as soon as I realized what I was feeling I freaked out and got scared. The urge to run away was becoming more and more appealing and my hands kept shaking and sweating. For a split second, I thought about telling him; I have the worst timing possible anyway and I just needed to get it off my chest. But then again, how do you say this: “sorry to disturb you while you are working, but I think I’m falling in love with you. Now if you will excuse me I need to throw up and then make a run for it”. Writing this down now just makes me laugh, but a few hours ago it seemed like the most viable solution. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say anything at that point those would have been the exact words, so I did my best to stay silent.
Not knowing what to do or how to deal with it, I decided to turn to a friend for some advice. I called Sarah while she was at work, made her go out of the office and told her exactly what had happened. When I said I was planning on telling him she tried to bring me back to my senses: “you do this every time. As if it’s not enough that you have the worst possible timing in everything, you just run from everything that could potentially make you happy”. After lecturing me for ten minutes about making bad choices, she decided (and I agreed with her) that the best thing to do was to enjoy this feeling, even if it’s scary as hell, calm down and not say anything until the right time comes. After we hung up, I was much calmer and realized that my solutions were neither feasible (without seem like a psycho) nor well-timed. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling; let alone saying it out loud. First, I would need to take some time to think about it and figure out what I actually feel and what I want. But even when (and if) I decide to finally tell him, there’s more to consider than just myself. With an almost 20-year age difference, two failed marriages and fifteen years more dating experience than me, I couldn’t help but wonder: will he think of me as young and naive for falling for him so soon?… or worse, what if we are not on the same page anymore? And if we are perfectly fine and I’m more than happy with where we are now, why would I want to change that? I don’t want anything to change after saying this to him, I’m perfectly happy with everything as it is…. So why can’t I get this off my mind? Why does it feel like I need to face my fear, go out there and tell him ‘I’m falling in love with you’, even if nothing will change?
Even though every time I opened my mouth I was scared it would come out, I managed to avoid the potential humiliation of saying it out loud and finally made my way back home. When I told the whole story to Kate, she said to me “I’m not surprised, I saw it coming”…. well why the hell didn’t you say something before?! She then added “It’s only a big deal if you make it seem like a big deal. Just tell him casually, no grand gestures needed”. And she is right; I would never do it over a candle lit dinner …. I would probably say it at the worst possible timing when I’m ready, but at least I know it’s honest. And maybe I’ll give myself some time and swallow the urge to say it every time I see him; afterall he might not feel the same yet, and it’s only natural. I’d rather wait rather than make myself seem vulnerable and needy. And even if it doesn’t turn out in the best way possible, I would know that I fell for someone that makes me want to learn, teaches me new things, gives me the best orgasms of my life and makes me think twice; and that’s probably worth my while.
Have you been in the same situation? How did you manage to tell the other person that you were in love? How did it turn out? Comment and let me know.